Making life long bad decisions

I was listening to a sermon called The Twelve Gifts from Unity Church of Bakersfield. In the message he said that some times because we are in a hurry we make decisions that will have a life long impact. I know I have made a few decision like this and they have had very bad consequences. One was when my supervisor went to a different department and they had some one else give me my review that did not know me. It was 6 months late and by then I had enough. I made a decision that has cost me to this day. Another is a relationship that I was in. I thought we were supposed to be together so I thought I would help but only made things worse. Now I will not date again as I have had enough of relationships. The fun of wanting things so bad that you screw up the rest of your life.

Unhappy decisions

After seeing interviews done with the author of happy accidents and how things just worked out for her I think about decisions that I made in life that later turned out to be very unhappy decisions. The first one was when I was in Orange County and guess I decided to go back to Apple Valley to go to school and got a job instead before moving back. I left a great job that they planned on hiring me full time for but did not stay. I got a job later on at the Orange County Data Center after going to school. It was a nice job but was told by a fellow student about another job that had a pool table and had concerts once a week for employees. I had just gotten the other job and did not feel that it was right to leave. I now wonder if I should have left any ways. The people were great at the County but did not make much money and left there out of anger and then got a job at State Farm which lead me to where I am today. For me my life has been bad decisions and I would love to have happy accidents but that will never happen as I will just die where I am.

When I told my mother

When I told my mother how much anger I had. She told me that even if we moved tomorrow we would still be the same people. She also mentioned that the world is filled with anger and that we need to pray and read the bible more. When you hate every thing about where you are praying is the last thing on your mind. It is also the last thing on your mind when you pray that it just hits the ceiling and comes back to you or so that is how I feel. The more I live here the more I hate this place.

I am sick of Bakersfield

I am so fucking sick of Bakersfield that I get mad at the stupidest things. I hate my life here and wish that I never made this mistake. I regret what I have done for me and my mother. I am angry all the time and some times raise my voice to her when I am pissed off at life.

Panic Puzzle

I had ordered the Panic Puzzle so I could get over my anxiety problem and then be able to move my life forward. I complained once to ofter and was refunded my money. I saw some mistakes in postings that were done and did not think it was very professional. I guess I expected more then what they were willing to offer. If I am going to pay what I had to pay I expect things to be professionally done and that includes the wording used in documents and postings on websites. Oh well at least I found out early on that they are not right for me. If they thought so highly of their program they should offer more then 8 weeks as you do not know if the problem has gone away by then. They also send you links for interviews and those interviews mention other books that others have written on the same issue. If you check those programs out they are sold by the same bank that handles their program. That is not bad but why not just sell one program that works for all those that have anxiety. I guess when I do get the money back I will just order the Linden Method and get my life back so I can move forward and not keep moving backwards.

Anxiety

I have known for some time that I had anxiety and this is what was causing my IBS symptoms. I have tried many things and nothing has helped me. I have not tried the anti-anxiety drugs that the doctors prescribe though and this was my next step to see if I could get one of these prescribed for me. I found the Linden Method which I have not started with but the more I learned about it the more I was annoyed at myself for not finding this earlier. I may have seen it previously but did not look that much into it. I am annoyed at myself for not doing some thing like this sooner. I wonder how life would be different. Would I still be in this shit town if I did some thing sooner. Who knows but like others have told me if I do nothing I will still be in this shit town for years to come and I do not want to do this to my mother or to myself.

I am glad the Olympics are over

I for one am so glad the Olympics are over and I can get back to my regular shows. All the Olympics show is that some sports are still judged by corrupt judges. Some of the sports are about the time or who comes in first so those I appreciate as no judging of those events. Skating is still an issue from last Olympics. They give high scores to those that do not deserve them or give out medals to those that did not earn them for one reason or another. They gave the Chinese couple the Gold Medal even though they did not deserve it. Why give a gold medal to a couple just because they have never gotten it and will be retiring. I also do not agree with giving the Canadian lady the Bronze. I am sorry her mother passed away but she did not skate well enough to deserve the bronze metal. I also was not thrilled with the Canadian hockey team. I am hoping that in 4 years they get beat so badly that they do not even get the bronze metal. It might be wrong to think this way but I do not like how they acted after they won. To bad they could not have been stripped of the metals. Oh well back to my regular shows that I enjoy so much more then having to put up with the Olympics.

Looking back on a past mistake

Knowing that my dreams of ever moving back to Orange County are being dashed upon the rocks I have been thinking a lot about a past mistake that started me down the wrong road. Back in 1988 I started to work for the Orange County Data Center and at the time Martin Marietta was running it. About in 1990 I got mad which usually starts me making mistakes. I decided to look for work else where. I was able to find another job but as I told the Manager of the Data Center about the move I was offered a promotion but I did not take it as I did not think that I should since another guy was doing the same job as me and I felt he deserved the job. What a mistake that was. When I found out years later that I would be moving to Bakersfield I moved out of fear. I did not look else where for work which I should have done. You never know what one mistake will lead to until it is to late to do any thing about it. A few years after I left the Orange County Data Center they moved into a new building. Should I have seen if I could work for them instead of moving. I probably should have tried. I miss all the people I lost contact with. I know most if not all are gone and doing other things but I still miss them all.

I do not know if I would still be working their but I know my heart will always be in Orange County. Giving up on a dream is a hard thing to do. I had a lot of chances along the way to make another decision but I never took those steps. I will be writing at some point in the future about listening and how I had many people give me good advice that I did not listen to. When you have wise people in your life it is better to listen to them and follow the lead they have set.